The further I grow apart from my family, the more distant I become with anyone who comes from a rather well-adjusted family. I've always said that the closer the person was to their family, the likelihood of them understanding me was very slim. They can listen to my stories and try to empathize, but they will never truly understand the full extent of it. They say I'm better off with someone who comes from a happy home, and that it would balance my own dysfunctional background. I used to believe that too but the whole idea of a family becomes suffocating.
The constant parties and get-togethers, the talk of marriage, the obligations....all just leave me feeling cold and pushes me to alienate myself from it all. It makes things worse when the family becomes a bigger priority than myself and I'm just right back where I started.
I'm not a jealous person but all of my life I've been treated as second string. I let people take the limelight for things that should have been mine, assure people that it's ok when they've canceled on me for the billionth time, and overall just remained passive if anything hurt or upset me. This year, major turn of events took place. At work I'm always being told to be more assertive and I've started to apply it not only at work but in my personal life too. I don't want to be second string anymore and if it means I have to burn bridges then I'll do it. I don't really have anything to lose because I don't have anyone or anything that means much to me. Maybe back in the day I felt like someone made me their first priority, but those days are gone. The only person who can put me first is myself.
Back then I felt like I actually felt something for people, for my interests. I don't anymore. Maybe because I'm no longer surrounded by those who were as disenchanted. Everyone I know now is moving towards the same goal -- a goal I never want to attain. I miss being around people who were despondent with their lives and how it would never get better. I don't think I can share my life with someone who has a big house with tons of family to come home to during the holidays. I could share my life with someone who has no one to come home to, except an empty cold house. No obligations. No ties. Just you and me. And not everyone we know.
The constant parties and get-togethers, the talk of marriage, the obligations....all just leave me feeling cold and pushes me to alienate myself from it all. It makes things worse when the family becomes a bigger priority than myself and I'm just right back where I started.
I'm not a jealous person but all of my life I've been treated as second string. I let people take the limelight for things that should have been mine, assure people that it's ok when they've canceled on me for the billionth time, and overall just remained passive if anything hurt or upset me. This year, major turn of events took place. At work I'm always being told to be more assertive and I've started to apply it not only at work but in my personal life too. I don't want to be second string anymore and if it means I have to burn bridges then I'll do it. I don't really have anything to lose because I don't have anyone or anything that means much to me. Maybe back in the day I felt like someone made me their first priority, but those days are gone. The only person who can put me first is myself.
Back then I felt like I actually felt something for people, for my interests. I don't anymore. Maybe because I'm no longer surrounded by those who were as disenchanted. Everyone I know now is moving towards the same goal -- a goal I never want to attain. I miss being around people who were despondent with their lives and how it would never get better. I don't think I can share my life with someone who has a big house with tons of family to come home to during the holidays. I could share my life with someone who has no one to come home to, except an empty cold house. No obligations. No ties. Just you and me. And not everyone we know.
posted by crux at
3:38 AM
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