Rearviewmirror

2010-01-13T21:57:00.000-08:00

I don't think anyone reads this anymore.

I've been wanting to cancel my Facebook account but there's been a sudden rash of people I used to know from way back when popping up. It seems the folks I knew from the grade school days are already parents or are married. It blows my mind because my last memories of them were so innocent it's hard to believe they're....older. They look old as hell too, like time didn't treat them well. Whereas everyone still tells me I look 2 years younger than I really am.

It's life, but I can't wrap my head around everyone growing up and getting married or having kids. I feel like that stuff shouldn't happen until at least we're 30.

What the hell is with everyone getting beards?

2009-12-01T23:01:00.000-08:00

24. My work and sister coincidentally got me the same birthday card. It said they made a triple chocolate cake for me, and said it was delicious. I don't know if that says something about me or them.

Though the coolest messages were:

"You're better than a tracer - tell that to Banky!"

and

"Happy Birthday"
-Kevin Smith

Also, a day before the bday, I told my bosses I would leave if I had to continue working with our other designer. Kind of bad timing, but it was now or never. When the guy is downright just snatching projects from me without asking or even regards, I just had to throw down the fucking gauntlet. Not to mention just treating me like shit on a daily basis.

I definitely want to stay with the company but not if I have to work with the douche and I think this time I made myself pretty clear that something's got to change and my dislike for him is pretty intense. Though I think I want to stick around for his review which he'll be totally slammed with very poor reviews. I'm not sure if anyone has ever stuck around so long and received 1 out of 5s on their reviews.

2009-10-02T22:35:00.001-07:00

I guess this is a year of firsts. I went to my first concert of I'd say possibly my favorite band. They were great, and played almost all of the songs I wished to hear, plus an appearance by Ben Harper. I'll also be moving again because I'm kinda getting fed up with the roommate that and my lease is ending in 5 months. I hope it's a quick 5 months.

With every move, my future is uncertain, but it gets brighter and brighter.

2009-09-13T01:07:00.000-07:00

In lieu of seeing Kevin Smith next month, I watched Chasing Amy for the first time, probably in three years. I've been wanting to for awhile but just never had the time. So this weekend I was alone for once and popped it in. To this day, it still holds the same for me as it did 8 years ago. The jokes are funnier because I'm older and probably didn't understand things like rug muncher. My life has changed drastically whether it's relationships, my interests, tastes, friends, everything and I find it hard enjoy the same things I did so long ago. But Chasing Amy still remains near and dear to me. If I'd seen it for the first time this year, I still would have loved it as I did 8 years ago.

I'm really sad they didn't have a 10th anniversary reunion for Chasing Amy. It was the one I was most looking forward to. And I just realized that's the question I'd ask Smith if I got the chance.

2009-08-15T21:37:00.000-07:00

I think it truly hit me today that my boss actually really likes me. For the longest time he and I had weird communication problems and it made our interactions with each other awkward. But I think I finally get him and he gets me so we're ok. I used to be pretty close to my supervisor but now I feel comfortable enough to talk with him instead about important matters whereas before I didn't dare bother him for fear I was going to offend him or just not know how he would take it.

Several months ago he made me a promise that he wouldn't let things get awkward again (he even wanted to pinkie swear) and I guess that promise has been kept. But I've tried to make an effort too to not let things get weird. It should be mutual. I guess this past month or so I've noticed that he talks to me more often than before. That and when I left for vacation, my supervisor told me my boss missed me, even if he didn't directly say it, he mentioned me a lot and talked about me in meetings. Also that of his team, that I was one of the three he could truly depend on.

So I had a talk with him about my wanting to move to our marketing department. It was funny because I asked to speak to him privately and he was already assuming the worse and that I was going to quit. But it seemed to go well and he seemed open to the idea of me being happy where I was. He also had praise for me which is almost a complete 180 from my review a year ago. He basically told me if I left, they would be totally screwed and let me know my value to the company.

I think if I have the support of my boss and all of my coworkers, that's enough for me to stay on. This past week I've been told that there is no one who thinks the other designer is better than me (lol), and that my coworkers do genuinely like me and somehow think I'm hilarious when I'm not so quiet. Having had such an awful experience at the last place I worked at, I never expected to really make friends or be close to my boss. But I realize I'm happier because it's not just work, I get to have fun (foosball) and have made some genuine friendships with some people. Plus, I feel like I'm definitely being rewarded for it.

My boss is going on vacation and apparently I didn't know about it so I asked him. He told me "Can't bear for me to be far away huh?" I told him that's why I sit so close to him (we're right across from each other). Thing is, I've gotten used to him being there and I think I'll probably feel the same to him when I left for vacation. I think when I feel strongly about something and voice my concerns to him, he handles it. When he's not there, I almost feel like I don't have that extra buffer against other formidable forces that I have no control over.

How things have changed.

I drink your milkshake

2009-08-14T04:56:00.000-07:00

I'm married to my work and that's the only union I'll ever be coerced into joining. The sites I create are like children...I care for them but they're time-consuming and a huge nuisance. Then another designer was brought in and brought with him his ugly ways and now the children have become ugly step-children that nobody likes or wants.

I love analogies. One of my bosses described our company in a nutshell by saying, "Our CEO is driving the bus with all of us in it and the tire pops. While we're scrambling to fix it, the CEO is still driving and telling us "c'mon! let's go". I may have butchered it but when my boss said it, it made all the sense in the world.

For several months now I've been thinking about my future and my future with the company I work for. There are definite pros and cons, where some days the cons outweigh the pros and vice versa. I've made a lot of friends and they're not just people I work with as a team, but other coworkers outside of our bubble. I'd like to say I have no enemies, but that kinda changed when the new designer came. When he interviewed I thought to myself, I could really get along with this person. I've never been so wrong in my life. There's a lot of stress and pressure at work but I can handle that. I cannot, however, deal with him. At first I wondered if I felt threatened, and I realize it was the other way around. Where do I even begin?

On his second week here, he already took 2 days off to go to Coachella. What's wrong with that you say? Well, for starters, it's the FIRST two weeks, and let it be known, on my 2nd week here, the designer before me was fired and I had to take up all responsibilities. You don't take days off when you start work unless it's a dire emergency, and that was not an emergency. But to his detriment, the one huge ongoing project he was hired for was given to me because he was out enjoying music in the desert. And now, he's never been given the project again and I know he is upset, but probably blames me for stealing it when in fact he screwed himself over. Also, that was his one chance to prove to the higher ups if he was all that and a bag of chips (I know, cheesy but it is 5 AM after all), but he missed the opportunity.

He's a rude sonuvabitch. Unprofessional, stubborn, hot-headed, dense, not funny, annoying as hell, and the funniest thing someone told me in years was that when he got a haircut, he looked like a lesbian. I'm sorry, but he did. Anyway, he acts like he's going to change the world at work, but he doesn't know that he has really no power to do anything. You have to earn it by working hard and improving yourself, and not by just complaining and doing shitty design. I gave him a piece of his own medicine by treating him the way he treats others and he didn't like it one bit. He didn't talk to me for the longest time and only communicated through IM. I should be more rude coz then he'd stop invading my personal space by coming over unannounced all the time.

He also aggressively pursued a coworker. I understand he's probably looking for friends since he's new in town, but you don't pursue a coworker especially when you're new and you have idea that there are company rules against it. Or at least don't be so damn obvious about it. I'm just going to leave that subject because it's not my business.

So, back to the issue of him being threatened by me. The unfortunate thing is, he was hired to "manage" the design team. And the more unfortunate thing is he has no communication skills or leadership skills. There's a lot of drama and stress in leading and I don't particularly like dealing with it, but when I did it on my own, it brought me closer to other departments. I just didn't like how I couldn't really concentrate on my work while having to make sure everything and everyone was getting their stuff done. Also, his job is to delegate projects equally, but he was basically taking all of the big ones (and small ones when he had time) so that I was pretty much left with nothing. I could understand that he wanted to try everything and get the hang of things but when people were giving projects and specifically requesting for me and then he would just take them was just not right. At first I was ok with it because I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, but there was just one incident where he just backhandedly just took something away and gave me something shitty instead. Luckily, his 3 month review was right around the corner so I let them know what I thought. I also took a vacation so I left with a sort of peace of mind.

I came back and he was creating some mockups for some banner but I could tell by looking at them that my boss just wouldn't like it, and my boss didn't. So he asked me if I could try a version, probably thinking that they would just reject mine too, but turns out my boss ended up choosing mine. Later I heard he got really upset over it and didn't talk to anyone for over an hour. Not my fault, he asked me to try it and I did, so it's not my fault they chose mine.

So I started to work separately from him (because I was now given the task of that first project he totally screwed himself over) and I stopped doing the work I normally did which was maintain the current graphics on the site. Then people started to ask me "Did you do this?" and I'd look at what they were referring to and say no. They'd tell me "good, because it's horrendous." For someone who calls himself the "lead" designer (yes that's on his web site. I've worked there for almost 2 years and also was the sole designer for 1.5 years and never called myself anything other than a designer) he sure can't design. I understand it takes awhile to get used to a place and how they work, but he went from impressing us to just WTF work. He needs to take every 101 design class there is. I'm not saying I was the greatest and when I first started, I'm sure I was pretty horrible too, but that's also because I was asked to create hundreds of graphics in three days plus revisions coming in constantly. And I know they were horrible, I admit them. But he has no excuse. He has a 1/3 of what I used to get so he should take more time, but he doesn't. He's very fond of this "gray horizon" line he slaps on everything. That essentially is all he does for everything. He should trademark it.

His design work is getting so bad that a lot of people are noticing. I just got an email from my boss to make to sure keep fonts consistent, and I checked out the example she gave and there was nothing in there that I did. And today, I heard that he had been super frustrated at my boss from not hearing back on some redesign mockups and the reason was that it was so bad my boss just didn't know what to say and was trying to avoid him. But I guess he hounded my boss so much that he just told him he didn't like it and he had no other comments. That totally made my day. I'm sorry, I'm normally not like that. I don't enjoy seeing someone's self-esteem being crushed but given all the other things about him, he deserves it. He was walking all high and mighty around here thinking he could be an asshole to everyone when things didn't go his way so I'm all for people getting their comeuppance. Basically everyone has told me to let him embarrass himself. I used to worry that he would reflect badly on our team, but I've been assured that he and I are nothing alike. I've taken their advice and stayed cool and kept my distance and it's surely showing. By comparison, it's actually elevated what people think of me because he's so awful. People continue to request for projects through me even though they are supposed to go to him first, and while they know that, they still ask me first.

And I know that makes his blood boil.

The only improvement I had in my review was to make our team grow stronger. The more I thought about it, the less promising it seemed. They want to create a "design cave" and I absolutely would go batshit if I had to sit next to him. His constant chatter, laughing at stupid things and forcing me to think it's funny, always looking at my screen for no reason, always invading my space, and smoker breath. So there's an opportunity to join marketing, which would mean I wouldn't have to work with him. Marketing wants me too so it makes things a little easier. The difficult part is the current department I work with would not be happy. But, it's either me getting so fed up and leaving the company or just being moved. I really can't see myself working there for long if I have to continue to work with him.

So there will be a big conversation with the boss man tomorrow. I'm a little nervous, a little excited. I'm known to be pretty passive...I'm the type that says "ok" to everything but they said I needed to be assertive if I wanted to get what I wanted or needed. I've noticed that since I have been more assertive, there has been definite improvement.

If this works, it's a I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE moment.

2009-06-01T03:38:00.000-07:00

The further I grow apart from my family, the more distant I become with anyone who comes from a rather well-adjusted family. I've always said that the closer the person was to their family, the likelihood of them understanding me was very slim. They can listen to my stories and try to empathize, but they will never truly understand the full extent of it. They say I'm better off with someone who comes from a happy home, and that it would balance my own dysfunctional background. I used to believe that too but the whole idea of a family becomes suffocating.

The constant parties and get-togethers, the talk of marriage, the obligations....all just leave me feeling cold and pushes me to alienate myself from it all. It makes things worse when the family becomes a bigger priority than myself and I'm just right back where I started.

I'm not a jealous person but all of my life I've been treated as second string. I let people take the limelight for things that should have been mine, assure people that it's ok when they've canceled on me for the billionth time, and overall just remained passive if anything hurt or upset me. This year, major turn of events took place. At work I'm always being told to be more assertive and I've started to apply it not only at work but in my personal life too. I don't want to be second string anymore and if it means I have to burn bridges then I'll do it. I don't really have anything to lose because I don't have anyone or anything that means much to me. Maybe back in the day I felt like someone made me their first priority, but those days are gone. The only person who can put me first is myself.

Back then I felt like I actually felt something for people, for my interests. I don't anymore. Maybe because I'm no longer surrounded by those who were as disenchanted. Everyone I know now is moving towards the same goal -- a goal I never want to attain. I miss being around people who were despondent with their lives and how it would never get better. I don't think I can share my life with someone who has a big house with tons of family to come home to during the holidays. I could share my life with someone who has no one to come home to, except an empty cold house. No obligations. No ties. Just you and me. And not everyone we know.

2009-05-22T02:04:00.000-07:00

Today's been one of those fuck all days where it seems like I can't escape anyone and the only company I don't mind isn't there or is unavailable.

I'm going to be waking up in 4 hours but I think I'll just stay up and be extremely haggard in the morning, move for the 30 billionth time and hope everyone at work stays the fuck away from me. I should just cease to stop talking to everyone period and maybe they'll get a clue that I have something better to do than pretend the article they found on digg was so fucking funny.

X may or may not be moving to Massachusetts but I really hope he does so that I can go with him and get away from all this. I know I'm a party pooper, but I really fucking hate parties. It sucks when your work life starts to resemble something out of the Office except that you hate everyone and you don't find anyone or anything they do remotely funny. So bad that I am going to boycott sarcasm just because an idiot has ruined sarcasm beyond ruin. I'm just so tired of the forced optimism and forcefed "brainwashing."

I'll just download all the smodcasts and relisten to all of them and ignore everyone.